8 Simple Rules for Dating Me
It’s no secret that I’m a sassy solo sista who is actively participating in the single-and-ready-to-mingle dating game.
I’m the Katniss Everdeen of The Dating Games: Confident. Independent. And damn good at it...
Over the course of this year, I’ve probably been on about 50 dates.
Do the math: that’s a lot of coffees and casual drinks. It’s a wonder that I’m not a caffeine addict or alcoholic by now.
Most of these dates haven’t made it past those elusive first meetings, due in part to the fact that I follow my intuition and don’t believe in jerking people around. If it ain’t a 'Hell Yes', then it’s a 'No Thanks'. Nice enough guys, but they just didn’t have that certain je ne sais quoi that I’m looking for. Only game-changers need apply within.
Then, there are the other ones…
These prospective partners didn’t make the cut because of a myriad of idiosyncrasies that simply pissed me off. Big time.
In a moment of retrospect, I have figured out what stops me dead in my dating tracks - skidding to a halt so suddenly that I can smell the rubber of my Havaianas burning in protest – prompting me to send a guy off to the Land of Never Never Again, whilst considering changing my mobile number.
If you want to date this girl, then you gotta know the rules. Lads, pay attention: this is for you...
Rule #1: Have the guts to ask me out
I will say yes. I believe that if you have the gumption to invite me out on a date, then the least I can do is turn up, put in my best effort, and get to know you.
But if you just string me along with a bunch of mundane texts, sticking to polite pleasantries but never actually asking me out, then I’ll get bored and move on. Simple.
Rule #2: If you make a plan, stick to it
I understand that life is hectic, plans can change, emergencies happen – I get that. I’m not unreasonable. Hell, it happens to me too. However, if you make a plan to see me, no matter how small or casual it may seem to you, then. Stick. To. It.
Don’t ask me to meet you, and then cancel at the last minute. That shit is just rude. There’s a good chance I’ve just spent the better part of an hour getting ready for this date, so at least have the good manners to let me know well in advance if you can't make it.
Save me the effort of straightening my hair, applying my makeup, and popping in my contacts. That shit gets expensive, you know.
Rule #3: If you have to re-schedule, then don’t cancel that date
I have zero tolerance for being jerked around. My time is precious too, you know. I probably had to decline other offers from other people to see you, thus deciding to place you on a higher level of importance to another human being, so please remember that.
I have a 2-strike policy: blow it, and that’s it. Game. Over.
Rule #4: Make the effort
As I mentioned in Rule 2, I probably spent a lot of time and energy getting ready for this date. As nice as it is for you to think that I can just roll out of bed looking cute, sadly, this is not the case. Although I’m trying to look effortlessly adorable, believe me – it was not without considerable planning.
So, when you rock up in your dirty jeans, ripped boardies, or reeking of last night’s pub crawl, then it’s a bit of an insult - and a major turn-off. C’mon, mate, you can do better than that…
Rule #5: Be prepared. Do your research
You know my name. I’ve probably told you what I do, what my interests are, or that I have a blog. I’ve probably added you on Instagram. We may have some shared friends on Facebook. In short, I have given you some tasty conversation starters.
If you can’t take the initiative to think of relevant things to say to me, or questions to ask, then adios amigo. I’m not into stunted, awkward conversations that are filled with uncomfortable silences. I’ve taken the time to see what common interest we share or thought of things I’d like to know about you, so return the favour, please.
Charm me. Impress me. Intrigue me. That stuff is what makes me want to see you again. Whatever you do, just don’t be predictable or boring. Step. It. Up.
Rule #6: Try something new
If we have already met for a drink, which was followed up with coffee, then please pick something interesting and different for our third date: Picnic by the beach. Jet skiing. Day trip to Byron. Waterfall jumping at the rock pools. Outdoor cinema in your backyard. Seriously, mix it up – I’m keen as to try new things!
I’m not a passive, precious, I-just-want-to-sit-on-the-sand-and-not-ruin-my-makeup kinda woman - I want to have an adventure! And I’m looking for a partner who does too…
So be creative, boys. Take a chance. This will win you so many points that you’ll feel like a Brownlow Medal winner.
Rule #7: Don’t play the waiting game
Okay, so I know how this goes down: We go out. We have a great time. We may even share a sexy kiss. You say you’ll talk to me soon…and then you proceed to wait 3 days to contact me, and when you do, it’s just a casual ‘Hey there’.
C’mon! We aren’t in high school anymore…hell, we aren’t even in our twenties anymore. This is the adult world – so communicate like a grownup.
Sure, do the whole playing-it-cool thing for 24 hours if you must – I’m perfectly amenable to that – but don’t let it go on any longer, because that just tells me:
a) You’re too busy for me and don’t consider me worthy of a response #ouch;
b) You’re too lazy to reply (seriously?!?);
c) You’re not interested anymore, in which case, just tell me, dude – I’m a big girl, I can handle it…; or
d) You dropped off the edge of the planet…or were abducted by a cult…or you are a secret spy who was called off for some emergency mission to save the world, and you forgot to take your mobile with you (a personal favourite of mine).
It’s just plain rude to ignore a message. You wouldn’t walk away from someone asking you a question while standing in front of you, so why do you think it’s perfectly fine to not respond to a line of text? If you’re busy, then just let me know. Or use your emoticons.
Oh, and if this sudden lack of communication happens to occur after we’ve shared a hot and steamy make-out session, then you're even more of a tool. The 80’s called – they want their chauvinistic attitudes towards women back now, thanks douchebag.
Rule #8: Remember that I’m worth it
Yes, I’m different. Yes, I can be a challenge. Yes, I am a confident, straightforward, and independent woman.
But I am also a sparkly, genuine sweetheart who your parents and friends will adore.
I will laugh at your jokes, and then crack some even dirtier ones of my own.
I will happily cook for you while dancing around my kitchen, singing my little heart out.
I will always encourage you to go out with your friends and pursue your own interests, whilst I do the same.
I will light up your world with my smile; fill your life with love, laughter and adventure; and I will do everything in my power to make your life infinitely brighter.
So in exchange for putting in some effort in the early stages of the dating game, and treating me like a treasure - something special you have discovered - I will bring so much happiness to your life that you’ll never have to wonder about what you’re missing out on in the singles world.
And that, my dear boys, is how you date a girl like me...